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Selfish vs. Selfless

I think that long ago (like even back in high school) I was probably saying negative things about myself because it was just what you did. That seemed like the opposite of arrogant or cocky, and I didn’t want to be either of those. I do remember having a few thoughts about my body when I developed hips and wishing I could just push them down and off my body because I thought I was suddenly”fat.” But, other than that, I don’t think I really hated my body. I don’t know that I necessarily loved it either though. I remember getting compliments and feeling really good, but shrugging them off and not accepting them out loud. Why is it that women (and girls even) put themselves down? Somewhere along the line I must have started believing the negative things I was saying and it seeped deeper inside of me until it was just truth to me. Sad.

My brain is connecting this with selfish/selfless somehow. I’ve heard it said that being selfless isn’t thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less. So, if someone is consumed with thoughts about themselves, they would be on the selfish side? That’s thinking good or bad thoughts about yourself. Hmmmm…I’m processing this as I write. Basically, I need to stop being consumed by my negative thoughts about myself for lots of reasons! How can I serve others if I am so worried about myself? How can I listen to someone if my thoughts about myself are in the way? How can I be a healthy example to my kids if I am speaking those negative thoughts? Or at the very least, letting them effect the way I act…looking in the mirror with judgement, pulling and tugging at clothes, keeping coverups on at the pool and not actually participating, worried about my hair or makeup…the list goes on to include things I’m sure I don’t even realize I do. I need to get over it! So, yes, I can see how even my negative thoughts about myself are making me into a selfish person that is not fully present in the lives of my children! So, my action plan is to think about myself less and when I do think of myself, it’s ok to think positive thoughts. I will show up better in life. I like that. Now, to get to work and practice it!

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Violet

I seem to have a never-ending stream of negative thoughts about myself. There is constant chatter in my head about how I look, what terrible thing I ate, why I can’t run farther or faster, why I didn’t get up earlier, why I yelled at my kids, why I can’t be more patient, how many wrinkles I have, what the scale says….and on and on!

Apparently this is normal. It is my “natural man” or ego telling me all these terrible things. I was recently challenged to notice that voice and give her a name. Don’t hate her, that just causes more hate for myself. But, become friends with her. This sounded a little schizophrenic to me, but, why not? I introduced myself to Violet. I’m not exactly sure why this name popped into my head almost immediately. Maybe I was thinking of the girl in “The Incredibles” that can make herself go invisible. She is insecure, but she means well. She is unsure and sad. I am still getting used to recognizing and acknowledging Violet. But, I can see how this makes me feel more empowered and in control of my own thoughts. I don’t need to listen to Violet pointing out all my flaws. I can tell her to calm down and then I can come up with positive thoughts about myself instead. It is actually tricky for me to notice these thoughts and calm them down. I am so used to my brain running out of control. I am excited to notice and reign it in.